Vulnerability + Grief

*Big breath*

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Allowing yourself to be seen + acknowledged + cared for during an intimate moment or journey…. These moments of mine are vulnerable. This journey for Brian is VULNERABLE. Its hard. These moments. These times when if feels unbearable… when the grief becomes overwhelming. Feelings of overwhelming loss….

I am grateful to witness this journey for Brian. It is a gift he is giving me to be here + to bear witness to such a raw + intimate time of his life. I am grateful to ride alongside him + hold his hand during this time. I am grateful that he is open + allowing me to bear witness — to hold space for him. The days ebb + flow. Emotions ebb + flow. The loss of what was in the past + the realization of what is now & moving forward is….. grieving. For Brian, grieving the loss of movement, the loss of independence, the loss of riding bicycle….. it happens over + over, I can SEE it. I witness this grief + it breaks my heart honestly. It saddens me that this happened, that he is experiencing this, + I go back to the accident wishing it never happened. Questions of why this happened. Why did this have to happen to him…….

And for me grief looks like…. the (potential) loss of birthdays + holidays spent together, anniversaries together, growing our family…. I try not to worry so much of the future + try to remain very present but I am in the beginning stages of grieving the loss of MOMENTS. Grieving the sound of him just saying my name. Grieving the dream of traveling to Amsterdam + riding bicycle all over the city. Grieving growing old together like the couple in UP. Honestly, these are things that possibly WONT happen…. and it breaks my heart.

Vulnerability….. when people get an inside look into our lives now…. it’s fucking vulnerable. When someone other than US see the hardship in our lives what does that look like …

The challenges with communication + the anger, frustration, + tears that follows

The challenges with movement + mobility… they see Brian struggle + me watching him like a hawk ready to activate my cat like reflexes in case he loses balance.

The grief. They see the struggle. They see the rawest of emotion. The ups + downs.

… and honestly, there is only a handful of people that have SEEN this. For me, this is vulnerable. I feel raw. I struggle with people seeing + it hurts…. but it’s also nice to be SEEN… if that makes sense….