and a year goes by…
10/22/2021 - What a difference a year can make. Just 365 days ago I was on the phone with my beloved. I was in Reno. He was back in San Fran. I was getting ready for work + he was headed out to ride. We said I love you + he said he would phone me later that evening. He didn’t call.
My texts didn’t say delivered like they usually do. My love has always had a stubborn bone. He didn’t trust many. He grew up tough + liked his space, his independence. I was no stranger to his decision to cut people off + to block them from communication. I thought this is what was going on. That he decided he needed space. He needed to be left alone. I wanted to honor that.
The next day, still no call, no messages being delivered, + calls going straight to voicemail. I just thought…. if something wrong happened someone would call me. I felt something deep down though. My stomach turning, my heart breaking, my gut was screaming. I felt something was wrong. I KNEW something was wrong. I even journaled my worry that maybe he overdosed or got hit my a car….. But, I gave it another day….
If you have ever felt your heart break, the constant flow of tears, the tearing of your heart strings…. you know how I felt. I was anxious. My mind was completely all over the place. Again, I thought, if something happened, someone would call me.
No one ever called me.
That Sunday the first hospital I phoned, San Francisco General, I was shaking. I told the soul on the other end of the call that I hadn’t heard from my love in a few days + was wondering he was there. And he was. For three days he was in that hospital, alone. My heart breaks, knowing in my bones, that if I could go back in time…. I would have called the hospital sooner. Three. Days. Alone…
I left Reno so fast. I remember driving + the nurse was on the phone with me “preparing” me to see him. How he may not look the same. Inquiring who would make decisions for him if he is unable to. Preparing me for the worst.
The Neuro ICU nurse snuck me in the hospital that evening past visiting hours. I am still so thankful for her. I remember seeing him. He looked like my love. His face was different yes, covered in blood still, bones broken, + stitched up. But there he was. He was still my beloved. The boy I fell in love with as a teen. The soul I’ve carried love for for 20 years. The man I fell I love with again two years ago. We were no strangers to meeting in hospitals. When he looked at me, it was like a sign of relief. I found him. I. found. him. He leaned into me wanting an embrace. Wanting to put his head on my belly, not aware completely of what has happened. I found him….
What a difference a year makes. I almost lost him that day. I almost lost him at the intersection of Essex + Harrison.
We had an amazing year. A wave of a year. In an out of hospitals. Traveling back and fourth from SF to RNO. We moved in together. We got married. We had our treehouse honeymoon. We shed our layers + became the most vulnerable, open, and trusting companions. We got to celebrate our 34th birthdays together, after 16 years. I am so incredibly beyond grateful.
Everything we have ever done has brought us together, again, and again. Back in Reno, the land where we met. This land was meant for us to heal. to rest. to love. to grieve. + to prepare us for loss. To prepare to lose eachother again. But not forever. Because we always find out way back home. He is my home. I am his home. “Home is where your heart is.” -Brian
